A sign in the gift shop read, "For the man who has everything:
A calendar to remind him when the payments are due."
What does a Mobster buried in
deep cement soon become?
Answer: A hardened criminal.
By Chan Harris
Mother: "What did your father say when he fell off the ladder?"
Junior: "Shall I leave out
the naughty words?"
Mother: "Of course dear."
She: "Before we got married, you told
me you were well off.
He: "I was and I didn't know it."
Wife suddenly had an urge to live in the past.
"You used to kiss me."
So he leaned over and kissed her.
"You used to hold my hand."
So he reached out and held her hand.
"You used to bite me on the
back of the neck."
He got up and walked out of the room.
"Where are you going?
"I'm going to get my teeth."
Maid: "Your husband, ma'am, is lying unconscious in the hall
with a piece of paper in his hand and a large box by his side!"
Mrs. Green (joyfully):
"Oh, then my new hat has arrived!"
Waitress: "We have practically everything on the menu."
Patron: "So I see!
Can you bring me a clean one?"
Husband: "Darling, you don't think you're being
a wee bit extravagant?
You've had four electric fans running all day."
Bride: "Don't worry about it, dearest;
they are not our fans. I borrowed them
from the neighbors."
"You pay a small deposite," said the salesman, "and then make
no more payments for six months."
"Who told you about us?"
demanded the lady of the house.
Lawyer to client: "In my profession, there's no such thing
as free speech."
Lots of girls can be had for a song.
Trouble is, it's the wedding march.
A letter of resignation from a woman
who had quit to have a baby, said:
"Dear Boss: I am getting
to big for this job..."
About the only time a woman really succeeds
in changing a male is when he's a baby.
Overheard at an auction sale: "Sold to the lady with her
husband's hand over her mouth."
"Your husband says he leads a dog's life."
"Yes, it's very similar.
He comes in with muddy feet, makes himself
comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."
"Few women have any knowledge of parliamentary law."
You don't know my wife. She's been speaker of
the house for twenty-five years."
One way for a girl to get a mink coat is to find
a wolf and skin him.
Have you heard of the one about the lawyer who drove his
$50,000 Cadillac to Las Vegas and came back on his
What often keeps a man from making
a fast buck is a slow horse.
Pity your boss. The poor guy has to
get up early to see who comes in late.
Ted: "I started out on the theory that the world had an
opening for me."
Fred: "And you found it?"
Ted: "Well, kinda, I'm in the hole now."
Night club patron (approvingly watching a gorgeous Latin go
through her torrid dance):
"Lots of pepper!"
Friend: "Nice shaker, too!"
"The college I went to turned out some great men."
"When did you graduate?"
"I didn't exactly graduate.
I was turned out."
Daughter: "Oh, mother, I took Henry
into the loving room last night and...
Mother: That's living, dear..."
Daughter: "You're telling me."
Ever notice that when women hold off getting married, we call
it "independence," but when men do it, it's called
"fear of commiment"?
Bankers broke into a bank after hours and found a lone teller
trying to balance his books.
After forcing him to open the vault, they tied and gaged him.
Quickly tossing all the cash into a duffel bag, they were about
to leave when they heard the teller making noices through his gag.
Curious, they loosened it and asked what he wanted to say.
"Take my daily balance sheet too," he gasped. I'm short $700.00."
Three friends arrived at the Pearly Gates at the same time.
As part of their orientation to heaven, St. Peter asks what kind
of remark they would like to hear from their family and friends at
"I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a good
family man," said the first.
"I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and that,
during my career as a schoolteacher, I made a difference in many
lives," chimed the second fellow.
"Those both sound terrific," replied the third, "but I'd like to
hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!
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